Children push buttons...why and what does that mean exactly?

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Children push buttons...why and what does that mean exactly?

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU, I'D RATHER GO WITH DAD". IT SEEMS LIKE A BANALITY AND YET THIS STATEMENT CAN HURT SO MUCH THAT YOU ASK YOURSELF: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? USUALLY FOLLOWED BY ANGER AND THE EXPECTATION TO STAND ABOVE IT - AND THE CONFLICT IS ALREADY SPARKED. WHERE DOES THIS OVERREACTION COME FROM?

One possible explanation for such feelings are experiences in life, mostly from childhood, in which emotional experiences are formative. For example, when I felt ignored, invisible and not worthy enough by parents or siblings. Then this wound is activated and the current impulse is accompanied by a wave of pain from the past. You can also notice this by feeling like a child, childish in a way, in the situation itself.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT?

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Time for me? Why the thought alone is not enough...What is the driving force?

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Time for me? Why the thought alone is not enough...What is the driving force?

We are in the pre-Christmas period, the time of reflection and enjoyment. Words that in all likelihood do not match reality, because most of the time it looks quite different. In addition to the normal everyday life, the Christmas to-do list comes on top of it and thus the illusion, a Christmas full of energy, moves into the far distance. It feels more like a marathon through twinkling lights, gingerbread and wrapping paper, which has most likely the consequence on Christmas Eve to fall asleep exhausted. How should it be possible to follow the tips to enjoy the pre-Christmas season after all? The good news is - it's possible.

How, we now do together step by step. This begins with looking at the Christmas list and asking yourself, what of it is fun for me and what of it is pure fulfillment of external expectations? For now, just let this realization set, because the thought alone to shorten the list afterwards is not enough to change anything. The inner manager working off the Christmas list is focused on a perfect Christmas, and the mere idea of shortening it will not dissuade him. It's like telling a fireman who is putting out a fire that he only needs to put out half of it. That sounds just as absurd to him.

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Emotions: The opportunity to avoid conflicts?

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Emotions: The opportunity to avoid conflicts?

In the last article I wrote about self-care and how important it is to live your own world as a parent to have energy for the world of others around you. Also as a role model not to hide or even suppress your own feelings. Children notice this quickly and often think they are to blame. Therefore it is important to explain yourself and speak up for your feelings early on, also to avoid bursting in the wrong place.

If only it were that simple, "Explain myself and speak for my feelings". Do I even know what I should explain and what I feel? And if so, do I allow myself my feelings and ultimately accept them? Because only then can I also speak for them. The answer is, I have to become aware of myself. But how? My girlfriend recently told me that her son, when he does sports, always approaches it with full fervor and has the professionals as a role model. In soccer it's Manuel Neuer, in skating it's Mr. XY. He always says "I want to be like...", grabs his soccer ball or skateboard and is off through the door. She told him why it always had to be the best, why not lower the bar? They started to argue about it and her son accused her of "Stop ruining everything for me”.

I asked her what she was afraid of? She said that he would be disappointed not to be able to reach his role models. What is happening here?

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Self-Care...why is it so important?

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Self-Care...why is it so important?

A homage to motherhood…

I like to compare motherhood to the juggler in the circus who tries to hold all the plates on the sticks at the same time...so it often feels like doing justice to all our roles, the mother role, the business role, the partner role, the girlfriend role, the daughter role, etc., just to name a few. All of these roles are involved in keeping the Career, Family and Friends organization going, which begins and ends with all the appointments for family members and yourself.

Yourself...there was something? We all know the point where you think, who am I actually? Since the structure of the professional and private system consumes infinite energy. At the end of the day you just fall into bed hoping everyone will sleep through the night.

What can you do to fulfil your own roles with élan and fun?

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What often blocks our self-confidence?

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What often blocks our self-confidence?

In my last blog, I talked about how stress from experiences and lessons learned can create protectors in our system. Protectors, which appear in the form of extreme moods or certain behavioral patterns and thus get in our way.

I got the question from a reader, how do I recognize this and how can I control it?

When we experience people who are always criticizing or have anger written all over their face, or who are mostly dissatisfied or predominantly fearful, then a feeling over time has become a mood. But this can also be humour and positivity in every situation in life, even then a feeling has become a mood and authenticity is overshadowed by this protector. Authenticity means that our complete inner team advises us and that not just one or a small, well-coordinated group holds the reins, but that our entire potential is at our disposal. Only then is it possible to make decisions with clarity and calmness, to take responsibility and to lead a satisfied and balanced life.

When do emotions become moods and a certain behaviour becomes a pattern?

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Why is it a fallacy that shaming makes you tough?

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Why is it a fallacy that shaming makes you tough?

When a grown man says, "I have not spoken to anyone about my father's death, my inner soldier says, be strong and do not cry, that is a woman's business! And adds, "but I feel anything but strong, I'm tired and feel like I'm in over my head. I resort to alcohol too often as a distraction. I don't like it.” Then he was probably denied a lot of things in his childhood that were supposed to serve to toughen him up.

The same applies to a woman who says, "I have so much anger inside me, I don't know where to put it and yet I can't set boundaries. I just can't get the words out of my mouth. This inner restlessness makes me sleep badly and then I get up at night and eat". As we get to the bottom of this, a sentence comes up that she heard over and over again as a child. "You see girls, but you don't hear them."

Why do these sentences cause blockages in children, which can often be very distressing in adult life?

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How can I strengthen my self-confidence?

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How can I strengthen my self-confidence?

We all know the feeling of insecurity and that doesn't feel good. We look at others and have the feeling that they are much more self-assured. This can be deceptive, especially bossy behaviour, which is often interpreted as self-confidence, is often a fallacy. What makes real self-confidence? Our self-confidence is based on four pillars: connection, acknowledgement, control and needs. If one of these pillars is missing or shaky, we feel insecure. Thus our foundation is not stable. The existing insecurity is often compensated with ego behavior such as anger, frustration or repression. In that moment we no longer trust ourselves and follow external expectations instead if internal motivation.

This means I have influence on my foundation. What can I do to keep it solid?

Let's get to know each of the pillars.

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The family system needs structure, why is this so important?

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The family system needs structure, why is this so important?

The world of many children is structured according to the fact that the parents are either in the office or at home. Not being in the office usually means having time for them. Now, during quarantine periods, many parents are in the home office and for many children this automatically means - time for me. As we also know, children are very demanding in their needs. They do this until they get an answer. Therefore it is important to explain yourself to children, the biggest underestimation is that children do not understand it yet, they understand much more and much earlier than we think. Explain the situation and, depending on the child's age, use aids, visualise, draw clocks on when time is available again and distinguish themselves by rooms and time windows.

Why is it so hard to set bounderies and say no?

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What emotions - in times of quarantine - arise in the family?

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What emotions - in times of quarantine - arise in the family?

I receive many letters in which you describe the ups and downs you are going through during the time of the quarantine. One day things are going well and one can take a positive view of the situation, the next day the sensations suddenly turn upside down, emotions boil over and conflicts arise, within oneself and among each other.

Why are these fluctuations? We have little control over the situation right now and we always try to take the control we can. At this time it is difficult, because we are led by experts and politicians. Our parts, such as solidarity, reason, intellect, make it easier to deal with it, again our scepticism, understanding, question things. This inner process of weighing up is important, but in extreme situations like this, it costs a lot of energy.

What do we have influence on at the moment and can we gain some control?

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