We all know the feeling of insecurity and that doesn't feel good. We look at others and have the feeling that they are much more self-assured. This can be deceptive, especially bossy behaviour, which is often interpreted as self-confidence, is often a fallacy. What makes real self-confidence? Our self-confidence is based on four pillars: connection, acknowledgement, control and needs. If one of these pillars is missing or shaky, we feel insecure. Thus our foundation is not stable. The existing insecurity is often compensated with ego behavior such as anger, frustration or repression. In that moment we no longer trust ourselves and follow external expectations instead if internal motivation.

This means I have influence on my foundation. What can I do to keep it solid?

Let's get to know each of the pillars.

Connection: The connection to ourselves - Self-reflection. That means perceiving ourselves. To get an answer to why I think what I think, why I say what I say and why I act the way I act. Sounds easy and yet it is so difficult, because every thought, every saying and every action comes with an emotion - and emotions are often pushed away. I can only get a clear head and react rationally and thoughtfully when I am aware of my emotions. We often wish we didn't feel and we can entice it away, according to the motto, I don't mind. However, anatomically this is not possible at all, because our vegetative nervous system absorbs every feeling from the outside. It has to that serves for survival. Every feeling is tested there to see if a flight-fight-freeze-reaction is necessary. If we are not in acute danger, the information goes on to the brain and our intellect decides what to do. However, our body does not only receive signals from the outside, but also from the inside. Every thought is accompanied by an emotion, i.e. every emotion from outside or inside passes through our body, whether we like it or not. If the intellect has been trained not to want to admit this, then emotions accumulate in the body over time. A mental repression consumes a lot of energy. The managers in our inner team who suppress this emotional stress are anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, etc. This can sooner or later result in exhaustion and pain.

What can we do to avoid this damage and learn to process our emotions?

This leads us to the next pillar - acknowledgement.

Acknowledgement: It is important to be aware of, acknowledge and validate thoughts and emotions of all kinds. In short, our own appreciation. Can we allow ourselves that something was hurtful or that something went wrong? Can we be best friends to ourselves or is the inner critic constantly working at full speed? Emotion (E-Motion) is energy, impulses in flow, which come with a beginning and an end, whether it is anger, frustration, sadness or joy. When we acknowledge our emotions, they run in healthy flow and the end is not suppressed by denial. Children are the best role models for this, one moment they are sad, the next happy, the next frustrated, etc. They live the healthy flow. Feelings can, but do not have to be lived outwardly as with children. The inner recognition alone can calm emotions. What doesn't calm them down is the anger at the anger or the anger at the sadness or the expectation of the inner critic not to let it get to them. Instead of calming down, more emotions are added. The own acknowledgement of all emotions is the only solution.

What happens in the body when we do not process emotional stress?

If we do not allow emotional stress to be processed, neurotransmitters such as adrenaline and cortisol are permanently emitted. The body is in a permanent state of alert, i.e. all our energy is used for this and healing or reproduction is on hold. Sooner or later the body will pull the plug, in whatever form.

What can we do to send out messenger substances that activate our healing and reproduction and thus make us agile and fit?

This leads us directly to the next pillar of our self-confidence - our needs.

Needs: Not every stress has a negative effect on the body, there are stressful phases with which the body copes best if - and that is the point - we enjoy it. If what we do gives us pleasure, the body sends out neurotransmitters that strengthen us and support our health. Knowing what is good for us activates our productivity and motivation. But where to start? In the smallest detail. It's like the oxygen masks in an airplane, we have to put them on ourselves first and then put them on those around us who need help. This has nothing to do with selfishness, but with self-responsibility. If I am full of energy and strength, my environment also profits from it. There is a beautiful relationship saying: I do Self-Care for you and you do Self-Care for me.

But what if I do not know what is good for me? How do I find out?

In this case, the focus must be directed from the outside inwards, from external expectations to internal motivation. What motivates me? Not others, but me? What inspires me? What do my two energy sources need, the body-energy and the creative-energy? Positive thoughts come with motivating emotions to activate the high-quality neurotransmitters. Especially in stressful phase in which a lot of adrenaline and cortisol is released, it is imperative to know what is good for me. This way we activate additional neurotransmitters which in turn further trigger healing and reproduction in the body. Thought - Emotion - Body. This is a chain reaction that we can influence.

To give our needs space and time we need something very important. What is it?

This leads us directly to the next and last pillar of self-confidence - control.

Control: To know what is good for me, I also need to know Who and What is not good for me. That means we have to know how to set boundaries. Time - and Energy Management are key. If we have mastered this, things that we don't enjoy but need to do are also easier. We know it is temporary and can adapt to it. A little bit of control remains in every situation to do good - the famous silver lining. We just have to become our own silver-lining-expert. Another control helps us here, the choice of our perspective. How we view people or situations. We always have the choice to look at things negatively or positively, to see the good or the bad. Are we critical and judgmental or are we open and interested in the reason for a situation or behavior? Are we also ready to take responsibility for ourselves? We are humans and humans make mistakes. The feeling of having made a mistake doesn’t feel good, but it passes if we allow ourselves to do so. Defining the problem and being interested in a solution and not spending time on the question of guilt saves a lot of stress and energy. A topic that helps to avoid many sources of conflict in companies and families.

Why is a No as a boundary sometimes not respected?

What is important with No is, with what intention is my No deposited? Is it a No with question mark, according to the motto, do you still like me? Or is it a No because the outside world expects it from me? Or is it a No that comes with conviction and an explanation? That makes the difference whether our counterpart accepts a No or not. The intention is reflected in the tone, i.e. the No in the first two cases has no effect on the person at the receiving end. This becomes very clear with children and employees. The other extreme, playing out power is also not the way, according to the motto, because I say so, that creates conflict. Your own conviction and the factual explanation are decisive. The compassion that is thus maintained strengthens the connection, whether in private or professional life.

Control has many facets, it is important to know what I have control over and what I do not have control over. Control provides stability. It's like the lines on the street, when they suddenly stop, we feel insecure for a short time.

Conclusion

We got to know now all four pillars that are the foundation of our self-confidence. This makes it easier to find out which pillar is wobbling at the moment and needs our support in order to strengthen the foundation again. This is an ongoing beautiful and enriching process. The most beautiful effect of Self-leadership, apart from the fact that you feel much better, is that you lead your environment in the same way, whether as a parent, leader or team member. It always starts with ourSelf. Becoming aware of ourSelf leads to Self-confidence - and that enriches life as a whole.

If the implementation is difficult and you realize that burdens and/or patterns prevent from having access to one of the pillars or more, coaching could be a possibility to release these burdens. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to contact me.

Warmest,

Birgit Rohm

Expert in Self-Leadership

Blog-Link: https://www.mediocoaching.com/blog-english