What emotions - in times of quarantine - arise in the family?

I receive many letters in which you describe the ups and downs you are going through during the time of the quarantine. One day things are going well and one can take a positive view of the situation, the next day the sensations suddenly turn upside down, emotions boil over and conflicts arise, within oneself and among each other.

Why are these fluctuations? We have little control over the situation right now and we always try to take the control we can. At this time it is difficult, because we are led by experts and politicians. Our parts, such as solidarity, reason, intellect, make it easier to deal with it, again our scepticism, understanding, question things. This inner process of weighing up is important, but in extreme situations like this, it costs a lot of energy.

What do we have influence on at the moment and can we gain some control?

Our immune system, for example. Sleep, exercise, fresh air, food and psyche are important factors that support our immune system and we have influence on these factors. Many people are getting very creative in cooking, others go jogging to stay fit and not only that, sport also helps to reduce stress hormones and release positive hormones. Everything that has a positive effect on us (our needs) we pay into our energy account. The more on the account, the more power we have in this time of crisis.

All factors are quite clear, except for the psyche, what can we do for it to remain supportive of the immune system? For example, what effect do the above-mentioned fluctuations in the family have?

As a family you are a system and every system has a dynamic, controlled by the interaction of emerging emotions in the system. Children have very pronounced emotions from birth, because that is the language they speak and understand from the very beginning. They absorb everything and reflect this in their temperament. Which is something a backfire emotion can quickly create if you are not aware that the child is upset because it reflects the dynamics.

What is a backfire feeling?

Right now the mood at home is tense, children feel this and absorb it, whether they like it or not, at the same time they still have their own feelings that only affect their world. They miss their friends, have to find a new daily structure and reach their limits - in short they are quickly shaken.

Parents in turn, confronted with all their different roles at once - felt like the plate acrobat in the circus, who tries to keep several plates in balance at once so that nobody falls and breaks - are permanently in action with all their roles, whether mother/father, businesswoman/man, teacher replacement and many more. They all want to give their best and quickly reach their limits.

Let's assume, for example, that after all this effort a child asks the question, when does kindergarten/school open again, followed by can I see my friend today?
Then what is going on in you, what does that trigger in you? The mother/father role probably does not feel good enough and the bad conscience to have to explain the unpleasant reasons for this again. This destructive feeling has a big brother, a defender, the anger. This means that the most common answers are then, I have already explained, I do everything here for you and for you it is not enough, you are ungrateful and much more - he/she is blamed. But, even the child's guilt has a big brother, the anger and usually children become sad at the same time, because they feel not liked anymore (disconnect), this fuels the anger even more and the conflict with two defenders (parent & child) in a duel is ignited.

What exactly happened here? Here the feeling of not being good enough was reacted to, but not to the actual question. I call these feelings backfire feelings that are triggered in us because of the behaviour of others.

How can we intercept and even avoid such conflicts?

The separation of your own world from the children's world is the most important step to get distance to your own backfire feeling. Become aware that you just don't feel good enough because you are overwhelmed by the situation and hope to do your best. Absolutely understandable. Second step, be aware that you are not a substitute for kindergarten/school and friends, just like friends are not a substitute for parents. Each role has its importance and different needs.

Third step, give children space for their own feelings, show understanding for their world, for missing their friends. Being there, holding each other is enough, nothing has to be fixed. Fourth step, AFTER the child has processed the feeling of missing, ask what would be good for him/her now? In this way we help to recognize and use the own needs, to ignite the inner motivation. If they can't think of anything, then spur him/her on and say, then wait a moment, I am sure you will think of something soon. Consciously, avoid blame and shame.

How do I deal with my own backfire feeling?

First step, understand yourself, have understanding for yourself and the situation and consciously keep the facts in mind, what was the question and what did I hear? There are often worlds in between, because we don't answer the facts, but the backfire feeling that triggers the question in us. Second step, understand the world of children and take it seriously, don't mix it with the adult world. Space and time there are moments with impulses of different feelings. The children's problems are real, if we respect this, the less conflicts we have. Not being taken seriously creates new layers of feelings like sadness, anger, frustration etc. Third step, speaking FOR one's own feelings, such as, I am sad because...I had a busy day today...I need a few minutes for myself now...I feel that anger is rising up inside of me...This keeps us in the I-message and not in the you-blame.

But what to do if the big brother/defender of the backfire feeling does speak?

We are human beings and not gurus and that should not be the goal. Then it is very important to apologize when you realize that the conflict was sparked by your own backfire feeling. This way we don't show any weaknesses, but build trust and the bond is restored.

We encounter backfire feelings not only with children, but also with partners, friends, the team, colleagues, boss at work etc. Everyone has them. However, the more we become self-aware (self-leadership), the better we understand the backfire feelings of our counterpart and can quickly intercept and even avoid conflicts at home or at work.

How do I give structure to the family system and how do I set limits, why is this so important in times of crisis? - More about this in the next blog.

Warmest,

Birgit Rohm

Expert in Self-Leadership

Blog-Link: https://www.mediocoaching.com/blog-english

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