In my last blog, I talked about how stress from experiences and lessons learned can create protectors in our system. Protectors, which appear in the form of extreme moods or certain behavioral patterns and thus get in our way.

I got the question from a reader, how do I recognize this and how can I control it?

When we experience people who are always criticizing or have anger written all over their face, or who are mostly dissatisfied or predominantly fearful, then a feeling over time has become a mood. But this can also be humour and positivity in every situation in life, even then a feeling has become a mood and authenticity is overshadowed by this protector. Authenticity means that our complete inner team advises us and that not just one or a small, well-coordinated group holds the reins, but that our entire potential is at our disposal. Only then is it possible to make decisions with clarity and calmness, to take responsibility and to lead a satisfied and balanced life.

When do emotions become moods and a certain behaviour becomes a pattern?

Just as we humans differ from one another in appearance, we also differ in character, which is individually formed in the course of life on the basis of our nature, our environment in childhood and the experiences associated with it. Protectors and behaviour patterns are not created according the book, but are a very individual interaction. Therefore they cannot be solved by according to the book, but by an individual approach.

Here is an example…

With Martina (fictitious name), dissatisfaction has become a protector, seeking what "others have better", "make others wrong", "what will not work". This protector tirelessly looks for these signs and turns them into facts. Frustration, criticism and competitive thinking determine the day in all her roles, whether as mother, businesswoman, spouse etc. A very energy-sapping and frustrating state that pulls you down even more than the supposed "letting go" makes it better. Dissatisfaction has become a state here. It is natural that individual situations can make you frustrated and angry, which is then an emotion with a beginning and an end. However, when it becomes a pattern, like with Martina, it is difficult to break this cycle alone.

Why does such a pattern occur, what is the intention of the protector?

In Martina's case, her protector wants to save her from feeling "not good enough" and "not feeling acknowledged". In order not to have to feel this, he is looking for "mistakes" in others to make her feel better. We get to the bottom of the cause, critical expressions did not count in her childhood. Her parents lived only sunshine and a healthy world, no matter what happened - with the best of intentions. But this did not correspond to reality. Every remark Martina made, e.g. about her friend being angry, hurting herself or not liking something, was not heard and not seen. It was dismissed as, your girlfriend didn't mean it that way or that didn't hurt or what you don't like, that's great...when reading it you can already feel how her feelings are literally ignored...A protector doesn't form with one of these comments, but when it becomes an educational pattern, the inner dissatisfaction piles up. Sooner or later, protectors do not watch for long and sooner or later they start to work. What kind of protector is formed from such a situation is not fixed, it can go in all directions. It can be a hardliner who is against everything at first, or a copy of the mother, a protector who sees everything positively, or a feeling like in Martina's case the dissatisfaction becomes a mood, just to name a few possibilities.

What influence did the Protector have on their marriage?

She married a very positive man (basically a repetition of her mother, which is not unusual, because what she experienced corresponds to her own norm - is familiar). Her husband always countered her protector, wanted to convince her of the positive again. However since the task of her protector was to finally convince mankind that not everything is pink red and things can also turn out negative - protector met protector. Opposites attract each other. In the beginning you are so inspired and in love with what the other person has, of which you would like to have more yourself, but after some time this can tip over, because you feel not understood again. The more positive her husband became the more critical she became, the more critical she became, the more positive her husband became. A permanent talking past each other and above all, quickly getting angry, because the appreciation of the feelings, which protect both protectors, is again not given.

What is happening here, why is it difficult to get out of the cycle alone?

When one is blended by a protector, one does not see clearly. You don't know why you do what you do and say what you say. You notice that something is wrong and you are dissatisfied. Here is the coaching process, first to understand where it comes from, to have understanding, to accept it and to let go of the pain that the protector is protecting. This creates new thoughts and behaviour patterns. The protector relaxes, reacts from now on to situations with a feeling that has a beginning and an end. To recognize and allow feelings is vital, they have important signals for us and can also be a motor to change something. Anger for example shows you that something is wrong and leads you the question, what can I do? Often anger is a good motor to have the power to change something.

When do needs degenerate into harmful behaviour patterns?

When behaviors become protectors, we can tell when it becomes extreme. There is nothing wrong with a beer or a glass of wine at the end of the day, for example, if you can enjoy it in peace and quiet and finish the day at the same time. If, on the other hand, alcohol is used to forget, to erase thoughts, to numb oneself, then a protector acts here.

Exercise is an important need for the psyche to help emotions process and to keep us fit and healthy, but even here it can tip over. If the sport is driven by ambition and for example, pain in the body is numbed with painkillers to create the jogging track or the football match, then here is always the question, is the sport good for my body or do I try to prove something to myself or others - then a protector acts here too.

Food is vital for our body, healthy food is balm for body and soul. When we have a healthy body sensation, our body guides us through the day with feelings of hunger, including the desire for sweets. However, if a protector decides to distract us from certain feelings by eating, then it becomes critical. If someone answers the question, "are you hungry" with "what time is it", then the connection to the body is broken. This connection not only signals whether the body is hungry, but also stops eating when the body is full. However, if a protector takes over this part, then the head (frustration part, diet part etc.) and not the body answers. Then things like frustration and stress eating happen without measure. As long as accumulated stress is not processed and the eating protector can relax, many diets can be started. The Protector will continue to do everything to protect the pain. That means, whenever an unpleasant feeling is triggered, it will reach for food. So with our needs, it is the HOW not the WHAT that matters.

What happens when protectors polarize?

Protectors allow us to develop interesting behavior patterns. We recognize it when something becomes extreme and we feel that something is out of balance. Since our system always seeks balance, it is quite possible that a counter-protector will also become active. That means there are two forces acting on us. For example, as described above the eating part and a diet part, or an extremely active part and an extreme laissez-faire part. Pain can also be the counterpart, a hard-working part could for example have migraine as a counterpart. Parts polarize here, symbolically like on a sailing boat, each part holds on his side against it, so that the boat (our system) does not capsize. This is a very exhausting process that robs you of a lot of strength and leaves no energy for the other roles and parts. That means the system is not in balance and doesn't come to rest - you feel restless.

The most popular protector is…

Last but not least I would like to mention a protector that can become very loud and disrespectful - the inner criticism. It keeps many people from tackling projects, goals and dreams with the opinion that "it won't work anyway". If we take the step after having agreed on our competence, passion, knowledge, confidence etc., then the inner consultation is balanced. But if criticism dominates everyone and blocks the system, then a protector is at work. Then it is important to get to the bottom of it. Why is the inner criticism so massive? There are always reasons to understand it and to let it go, it is never too late for that and it gives new strength and energy. Our inner team (our whole potential) is just waiting to come together to tackle what we have always wanted for ourselves. With self-confidence and satisfaction - that is what makes Self-leadership possible.

If you notice that something is holding you back or behaviour and thought patterns have become loops that cannot be broken through on your own, then get in touch, I am happy to help.

Warmest,

Birgit Rohm

Expert in Self-Leadership

Blog-Link: https://www.mediocoaching.com/blog-english