Why is it a fallacy that shaming makes you tough?

When a grown man says, "I have not spoken to anyone about my father's death, my inner soldier says, be strong and do not cry, that is a woman's business! And adds, "but I feel anything but strong, I'm tired and feel like I'm in over my head. I resort to alcohol too often as a distraction. I don't like it.” Then he was probably denied a lot of things in his childhood that were supposed to serve to toughen him up. 

The same applies to a woman who says, "I have so much anger inside me, I don't know where to put it and yet I can't set boundaries. I just can't get the words out of my mouth. This inner restlessness makes me sleep badly and then I get up at night and eat". As we get to the bottom of this, a sentence comes up that she heard over and over again as a child. "You see girls, but you don't hear them."

Why do these sentences cause blockages in children, which can often be very distressing in adult life? 

If we do not get the opportunity to live the complete spectrum of emotions in our childhood, because this is a supposed weakness, then exactly the unwanted occurs, we are not strong and not self-confident. Emotions are as important to us humans as rain and sun are to the vegetation of nature. From sadness to anger to joy, everything as a whole is important to be able to stand with both feet in life.

Emotions that are lived come in flow and have a beginning and an end. However, when the end of an emotion is stopped, it can be compared to a flowing stream in which a barrel is placed as a blockade. The water now no longer flows on, but accumulates in the barrel until the barrel is full. If emotions are repeatedly stopped in childhood, they accumulate in the barrel and are carried along into adult life. This means that the smallest little thing can cause the barrel to overflow.  

Where does it all begin? What does it look like when I deny a feeling to a child?

I once stood in a queue at a fire festival, there were toy helicopters to give away, in front of me a mother with her son, who was about 6 years old. Suddenly there was the statement. "The helicopters are going out slowly". The boy in front of us started to cry and his mother said annoyed. "Yes but not because of something like that" and the father laughed at him...I noticed how the boy pulled himself together...but he was more sad and angry.

Why this chain reaction? This is called "double arrow shaming", the first arrow is the real reason, in this case the sadness about the helicopter, the second arrow the incomprehension of the mother and the insult by laughing at the father. The 2nd arrow is the one that hurts even more and is formative when this pattern is repeated. The inner critic begins to believe "not enough, not good enough.

When in the world of a 6-year-old the airplanes go out just as he is standing full of joy shortly before the goal...If that must not make him sad, what then? In that moment an arm on his shoulder would have been enough or look him in the eye and say, I can understand that and his basic sadness would have had a beginning and an end. But to have stopped it, not tolerated it, and on top of that shamed it, are layers of feelings that are usually followed by anger. First on himself, that he is not tough, not enough for his parents and secondly on his parents, that they do not understand his world. All this - to make the boy supposedly strong? 

Here comes the fallacy. 

The anger that accumulates in many people during repeated "double arrow shaming" and thus develops a strong defender part that accompanies them into adult life is the supposed hardening. However, this only takes place in the outer self, because to others the human being seems to be tough. The inner self looks completely different, which keeps a lot of pent-up emotional stress suppressed with a high level of inner critic as a protector. Everything but a self-confident life.

How does this become noticeable in adult life?

Protectors, such as anger, humor, pleasers, try to help to cover up the accumulated stress inside and outside. If this is no longer enough, certain behavioral patterns arise, such as actionism, workaholic, extreme sports, alcohol, etc., only to further suppress what is felt, the inner restlessness. This process of suppression costs strength and wears down the body and over time can lead to depression, anxiety and psychosomatic pain etc. The barrel, on the other hand, continues to be activated (triggered) by all situations in everyday life. Since emotions have not been learned to live (to process), the level continues to rise. A cycle has developed which must be consciously stopped if one wants to avoid the damage that the weight can cause over time. This gives the famous midlife crisis a completely new symbol and more information about its origin.

An example...

I recently attended a lecture on leadership. The speaker arrived with his whole team. When he was announced, his team applauded with great enthusiasm and told the audience to stand up. A performance like for a star. I got a good ear, such a performance promised strong protectors (ego). The lecture began and a little later he invited three volunteers in front of the audience to demonstrate leadership tools. When the first constructive question about his approach was asked, his expression changed and the rage was written all over his face. His reaction was not proportional to the situation. He felt himself criticized and the questioner was disrespectfully teased. 

What is happening here? What goes on in such a person?

There is a big barrel of emotional pain at the bottom of this. The resolution of my suspicion followed quickly when he dropped that his parents thought he is no good and would never make it. His outer self will relentlessly crave attention and applause, because that is balm for his wounds. However, the slightest doubt in a question or statement makes his criticism run at full speed and confirms again and again the wound of the inner-self "not being good enough" and the rage follows as protector. Only when the emotional stress (the barrel) of his childhood is processed, the flow can flow again. Then he can draw from his creative energy (passion/talent), which not only lets him be successful, but also balanced and satisfied and better yet - like himself. 

Conclusion

It's out-dated that boys don't cry and girls are only seen, not heard. It's also less about avoiding compliments from girls/women than cultivating that they are heard. That anger, rage and frustration are not denied to them, but that this feeling is met with acceptance and understanding from an early age. Just as boys/men are allowed to feel sadness, fear and helplessness. It is never too late to start. Either you come into the enjoyment of childhood or you take the step towards yourself later because you consciously want to change something. 

Our man from the beginning of the blog was able to process his inner pain, which was piled up by the belief that "boys don't cry". His inner soldier thus went from being the biggest critic to his biggest advocate. Today he can talk about the death of his father and feel sadness without hesitation, it is a natural feeling with a beginning and an end. He is full of energy in life again and the alcohol is no longer an escape. The woman was also able to process her emotional pain and discard the belief that "girls must not be heard" in coaching and now feels anger as a normal feeling that comes and goes. She now knows to communicate her bounderies, sleeps well again and no longer takes refuge in eating attacks.

In both cases the blockades (the barrel) could be released and the natural flow was restored. A life with more ease, inner contentment and new energy. It is never too late for that.

If you have any questions, if you find yourself in one or the other, don't hesitate to contact me. I am happy to help. 

Warmest,

Birgit Rohm

Expert in Self-Leadership

Blog-Link: https://www.mediocoaching.com/blog-english

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