"NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU, I'D RATHER GO WITH DAD". IT SEEMS LIKE A BANALITY AND YET THIS STATEMENT CAN HURT SO MUCH THAT YOU ASK YOURSELF: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? USUALLY FOLLOWED BY ANGER AND THE EXPECTATION TO STAND ABOVE IT - AND THE CONFLICT IS ALREADY SPARKED. WHERE DOES THIS OVERREACTION COME FROM?

One possible explanation for such feelings are experiences in life, mostly from childhood, in which emotional experiences are formative. For example, when I felt ignored, invisible and not worthy enough by parents or siblings. Then this wound is activated and the current impulse is accompanied by a wave of pain from the past. You can also notice this by feeling like a child, childish in a way, in the situation itself.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT?

By facing my own childhood experiences with compassion and interest. It is important not to do this from an adult point of view, otherwise thoughts will quickly arise such as: "I deserved that" or "why deal with it now". Better to look at the experience from a child's eyes. This way we live our own truth. Good and bad experiences have their justification and deserve understanding and appreciation. I succeed in separating my world from that of my child. Then the statement: "I'd rather go with Dad" triggers only a short-term impulse of disappointment in me. And I realize: Sure, daddy is so goofy today, no wonder that our child prefers Dad. Then I use the time for myself.

In this way, I become more versatile at that moment and do not let myself be carried away by a wave of emotions to blame and judge, which often ignites unnecessary conflicts. Because in order to suppress experienced pain, we develop protectors, which can also be stored anger, as in the case above.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SUCH PROTECTORS: If, as a child, I was strongly polarized towards performance, was never good enough, was always measured by the results of those who were better, then an endless ambition can develop as a protection, with the eternal hope of one day being able to satisfy the parents. This wound can also be triggered by one's own child if it does not seem successful in one's own eyes. Then the own wound "not good enough" is reacted, followed also here often by anger. The success of the child serves to heal the own wounds. If we are not aware of this in the moment, we create the same wound in our own child and the parenting pattern repeats itself.

HOW DO I MANAGE TO GET OUT OF THIS SPIRAL?

By educating at eye level: This means that the children's world is taken seriously alongside my own. I take an interest in this world, and not just love my child, but also enjoy it for who he/she is. Above all, let it explain itself to me. Our four-year-old son said in the car during his summer vacation, after he had romped through the meadows laughing, "I want to go home again. I don't like it here." I could see my own mother in my mind being upset about what an ungrateful remark that was. I remained curious and asked, "What exactly don't you like?" He said it was the apartment. When I asked him further what about the apartment he didn't like, he said, "The walls.” I asked, “What about them?” He said, “They need to be red." I nodded and said, "Ah, red is your favorite color. I see, that makes sense." He smiled at me, nodded contentedly and continued to look out the window. For him, the conversation was over, and the comment about wanting to go home no longer came. If I had reacted according to old parenting patterns, an unnecessary judgmental conflict would have arisen and I would never have known that my son simply liked the walls to be red in his world.

CONCLUSION: Becoming aware of your own experiences and being interested in the world of children creates balance. So don't repeat the same mistakes or go to the other extreme - but find the golden center. You will see: YOUR sore spots will relax with time.

Best,

Birgit Rohm

Expert for Self-Leadership