The world of many children is structured according to the fact that the parents are either in the office or at home. Not being in the office usually means having time for them. Now, during quarantine periods, many parents are in the home office and for many children this automatically means - time for me. As we also know, children are very demanding in their needs. They do this until they get an answer. Therefore it is important to explain yourself to children, the biggest underestimation is that children do not understand it yet, they understand much more and much earlier than we think. Explain the situation and, depending on the child's age, use aids, visualise, draw clocks on when time is available again and distinguish themselves by rooms and time windows.

Why is it so hard to set bounderies and say no?

The human being fears a disconnect, i.e. a rejection of the other side, therefore many things are tried to be pleased so that the connection is not cut. We are also naturally programmed for connection, but if we are not in connection with ourselves and set bounderies for ourselves and others, this can lead to inner and outer conflicts.
What happens within us when we do not set bounderies? We please and please and exhaust more and more, the inner rage/defence does not look at this for long. This means that there is an inner twist, between the pleaser (pleaser part) and the anger. The more exhausted the organism becomes, the more likely it is that the anger takes over, because it has to stop the circulation to protect the inner system. It addresses the outside world and accuses it, for example, of having to stop the pleaser and not demanding so much.
What does the way look like without accusation? FOR instead of talking FROM anger, for example, I'm in over my head, I play too much with the children, I can't keep up with work. I need a compromise, can we restructure? With an I-message, the connection to the others remains. When we accuse, we speak FROM the anger and create the defense mode in the others. This leads to conflict and a conflict means disconnect.

Isn't Disconnect exactly what people want to avoid?

Exactly, this is what the pleaser part fears the most and because of this conflict will most likely become active again to restore the connection. Consequence, the same cycle is repeated - inner twist, pleasing, exhaustion, anger. The cycle can only be interrupted if the step to stop it is made conscious in oneself.
How does this work? Turning to yourself, recognizing the cycle, having understanding and helping the pleaser part to set bounderies, i.e. taking care of yourself and communicating what you need, what are my needs (self-care) to be able to work optimally and at the same time have time for the children.
This is setting bounderies without assigning blame, an I-message the connection to the others remains. If both parents do this, then compromises can easily be found, because it is based on clear statements and not on mutual assumptions and expectations.

How can I make it easier for the child if I set bounderies?

Picking up children in their feelings, that moves mountains. Taking children in their world and their feelings seriously, according to the motto, I'm sorry, I would like to spend more time, but I can't right now, but you know, right after lunch I will make time for you.
As adults, we often have concerns that if we children agree in their feelings, they will get even more excited. But just the opposite is true, they feel understood and the feeling is processed. As long as they don't feel understood, they turn up the heat. We know this from ourselves, too, when we have the feeling that our counterpart doesn't understand how we feel, we turn it up, we want a movement, a compassion. For example, I can understand that, it sounds like a hard day. Nothing more. No fix necessary. Just pick up in feeling and ask questions if you are interested. The need to feel taken seriously and understood begins in childhood. The pick up/appreciation processes feelings much faster. That means if a need of the child cannot be fulfilled and causes sadness and frustration, showing understanding for the disappointment of the child, such as, I can understand that it is frustrating, that I cannot play with you all the time. Next step, cheer up and ask, what do you feel like doing, what would you like to do now? Just like in our case, when your partner says, what would you like to do now, what would make you feel good? In this way we help the person, after we have acknowledged the feeling, to move on into positive feeling.

I am often asked where self-care ends and selfishness begins?

Self-care means energy management, knowing and implementing your needs in order to stay motivated and productive. Selfishness begins when I harm others with my actions. It depends on the What and How. Cheating, for example, because it is good for you, is bad for others. If I ruthlessly do self-care and my partner doesn't get around to it, then I do harm. A common agreement and finding compromises are the solution. Self-Care is an important tool that awakens inner motivation and is crucial for our health - our greatest asset. It is worthwhile.

I wish you all the best until the next time, hang in there! If you would like to share experiences or have any questions, anytime, feel free to contact me in the comment below or write an email: br@mediocoaching.com.

Becoming self-aware stands for self-confidence - and we all can't have enough of that - more about that in the next blog.

Warmest,
Birgit Rohm

Founder Medio Coaching / br@mediocoaching.com / www.mediocoaching.com