How do you recognize the right time to set a boundary?

For my last blog I got the question, how do you feel your boundaries and how do you recognize the right time to set a boundary? This is a great question, to answer it we have to start somewhere else.

Why is it so important to go after what is good for me - life is not a wish concert after all? 

The good news, but that's it, because there are many areas in which we have control to make a difference, it's just a question of what is stopping us? Let's start with the smallest unit that does us good - our 5 senses. Let's start thinking about writing down what is good for you in each of the 5 senses? What do I like to smell, what do I like to see and hear, what do I like to taste and feel? Once the list is complete, we consciously incorporate it into our daily routine - and there is always time for that. You can create real rituals, what does my morning look like, what do I do to feel good after my morning routine? Exactly what does my evening look like, what do I do to slowly descend and switch off? Can I sleep well afterwards? When you start this, it becomes clear how the body wants to have more of these positive messenger substances that are emitted by the pleasant feeling, because these energy boosters boost inner motivation and productivity. The more we listen to our body what is good for me, the more we will understand what is not good for me. This means that setting a boundary to the feeling becomes clearer. 

From which energy sources does our body draw? 

Our body draws from two energy sources, one is called our survival energy, which is our own body capacity (which depends on sleep, food, exercise, fresh air and daylight) and the other is the creative energy, our inner motivation, i.e. what inspires us, what is good for us and is fun. Both energies flow into the same energy account, the account from which we draw for all our different roles in our lives. This means that the more we pay into this account, the more power and energy we have for our everyday life. If we give up the creative energy, which in contrast to the survival energy is unlimited and allows us to move mountains, we are limited to our physical capacity alone, which alone cannot withstand everyday life. That means also in reverse, if we don't feel any creative energy, then we do something that we don't enjoy and in the worst case we force ourselves to do something in the long run, i.e. the energy we need for this only comes from our body, which is limited. Hence the feeling of exhaustion, lack of drive and susceptibility to illness sooner or later. It's like driving in first gear on the motorway, it's not good for any engine. Our creative energy lets us be motivated and productive, we need both energy sources to be full of power and energy and the good news is, we have influence on both energy sources.

"I wish I could change my attitude..."

I often hear this wish in relation to stress, if only I could change my attitude towards stress, then I could bear it better. In other words, if I could just pull myself together...or take an example from others, they are able to do it. If we find something hard to bear in the long run, we are in a permanent state and not in a short-term unpleasant situation that is feasible. If the body in a permanent state says that I can't take it anymore, then it means that it is too heavy to carry for it, usually the first signs of exhaustion are already visible. That means the wish I want to change my attitude is absolutely right, but not in relation to the stress, but to yourself. If I have the new attitude that a permanent state is good for me and that I do not do certain states to myself, then I change my focus on what is good for me? Then the changes come naturally because I have access to my creative energy and I am more inspired and motivated. I take different paths and make different decisions because my goal is different. I stop trying to force myself to do something that is not good for me and can also be harmful to my health in the long run. I then draw from my two energy sources, which together can move trees.

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

Because we have learned to compare ourselves with the outside world instead of just orienting ourselves on it and being inspired by it. We compare our problems, once according to the motto, the others can also manage it or quite radically, is the own problem at all justified, because there are far worse ones in comparison. This part in us, which wants to give us perspective and keep an eye on the whole picture, is important, but only helps us if this is the second step and not the first. But we are often used to do the second step before the first one and even worse sometimes ignore the first one completely.

What is the first step?

The first step is to stay with ourselves, to take stock of ourselves with our own parameters. When a company takes stock, it doesn't take the turnover of a larger company just to make its own costs look smaller and comes to the conclusion that we are doing well. It is important to be honest with yourself, to live your own truth and to allow yourself to face your own pain/problems, it is not about whether others feel the same way, it is about how I feel. This is something very individual, so to be inspired by others is good, but not to be determined and to force yourself to do something that is not good for you, that leads to dissatisfaction and your environment feels it too. 

Why do we turn our pain and problems into competition?

There are worse things...pain and problems are not a competition, according to the motto who has the bigger pain or problem has the right to feel it - all the others are out. Especially now in the time of the going out restriction I often hear that I am tired and exhausted - but others have it worse. That's where the cycle begins that is not good for us. It is important to perceive one's own problem, to allow and acknowledge oneself. This is unpleasant, we may not confront ourselves with pain, so it feels better to compare and say that others have it much worse. But what does this approach change the way you feel about yourself? After all, we don't get fed up watching others eat? So we try to achieve something with comparisons that is not possible. To change something in ourselves, we have to turn to ourselves. What is important for me to feel better? What feels good and right for me? What can I do for myself to regain my strength? When I develop this feeling and become aware of it, I also get clear signs from my body when I want to set boundaries for myself and others. 

Conclusion - the simple is usually the most difficult to implement

It is often the little things that have a big effect on us. To visualize our 5 senses with lists is to make the beginning easier. Once the focus on what is good for me is consciously set, it becomes a self-runner over time, thanks to the positive messenger substances in the body, and has a ripple effect on all areas of our lives and beyond. We become more self-confident and have more clarity for our decisions and boundaries, because our focus becomes a signpost - and our body and mind are full of energy and zest for action, thanks to both energy sources. We allow ourselves our own truth in our own world and can therefore also better understand the world of others - we create more togetherness. We understand and know what we have to do and change so that we and others feel better. 

I wish you all the best, please write to me if you have any questions or want to share your experiences. I am happy about every contribution. I have put this topic in between because of the feedback I got for the last blog.

Next Blog- what does self-awareness have to do with self-esteem?

Warmest,

Birgit Rohm

Expert in Self-Leadership

Blog-Link: https://www.mediocoaching.com/blog-english

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